4

on accidental litterboxes

—So the problem with having a big gravel driveway in our climate is, cats

—Basically we have made a giant litterbox and they’re like “oh boy thank you”

—Every week I sweep up shit, I tried to make a homemade cat repellant from citrus oils and I sprayed it everywhere

—The driveway smelled like a cough drop for a week but not sure if it did anything

—It occurs to me that, if you’re thinking numerically, the primary role that humans play is providing new environments for bacteria

—Our ermine farms are bird flu training grounds, our coffins are full of anaerobic disgustingness

—We create cities in which vermin feast on new weird foods and carry diseases that infect us in interesting ways

—If this whole world is an alien farm, our role is surely microbe canvas and mutation instigator

—One alien turns to another and says, hey Bob, let’s see how we can induce vomit in this guy

—Bob is the most alien of English names, if you say it a couple of times it becomes clear that it’s not entirely of this world